ABANDONMENT
I have tasted abandonment.
I have felt its power, shrunk from its grasp, bowed under
its weight.
I know it by name and it terrifies me.
Abandonment knows me.
It smells my fear and rejoices in my wide-eyed pain,
Amused by the wild circus of my desolation.
In the wee small hours it would seek me out,
Slithering snake-like into my tiny cot to swallow me up,
creeping in
Like a thief to steal my soul.
Night after night while the house slept, the beast would
rise up
To thrust its ugly head through the slats of my cradle
Where you left me alone, incarcerated, afraid.
Abandoned.
I was a child betrayed.
A shattered puzzle on the nursery floor, crying out
For one last piece of the jigsaw to make it whole.
Aching for your mother’s touch, longing to feel your arms
around me.
Between huge sobs I called out for you, willing you
To reach inside and gather me up into the safety of your
embrace.
My heart was broken, crushed,
Without a beat.
But nothing.
Only silence.
You didn’t come.
I called your name but still you didn’t come
And I was alone, a child betrayed.
Abandoned.
Will not cry, will not cry, will not cry…..
But the sobs came.
One loud, uncontrollable and choking sob,
Then another and another and another …
Great, howling, blubbering sobs, shaking and trembling
Through the semi-darkness of the room.
Hot, salty tears welling up in my eyes, burning my eyes,
filling and spilling,
Impossible to blink away.
They were sad tears, angry tears, tears filled with fight.
Still, you didn’t come.
I felt the deep, invisible wound of separation grow
stronger, tightening
Around my throat and suffocating me in a stranglehold.
In the dim light, my silent screams would draw circles all
over the nursery walls,
Scribbling fierce messages of hope as the bitter roots took
hold.
Why did you leave?
Why did you leave me here alone?
Please don’t leave me here alone, the snake will eat me alive.
Giant python fangs dribbling poison into my crib.
Please don’t leave.
I’m your child, don’t you love me?
Don’t you?
And then you came.
A flicker of light on the landing as you crept in, quietly,
To blow away my thunderstorms.
My sun at the start and the end of every day.
A guardian angel to watch over me.
I knew you straight away, smelled your mother’s healing
scent,
Heard the soft, low timbre of your voice
As you whispered my name,
Your soothing smile shining through the gloom.
I melted into the warmth of your caress as you scooped
me up
And pressed me to your breast.
I felt the slow, reassuring beat of your heart
And my world was restored.
Scarlett, (J) Shell
WE WALK THE LINE
In sunlight we’re strong,
We hide our souls away,
For none of what we are
Could make it in the day.
In light we are the drifters,
We just wait to drown.
But at night we can be free –
We escape this town.
Down the road we run,
The pavement set ablaze.
By the river we have power –
The water shouts our names.
To the dawn we scream,
Horizon set aglow.
For when alone we say
What no one else can know.
After that we’re cold,
The clouds set in again.
And we of all people
Would know what happens then.
Just to feel alive,
We pull ourselves apart –
And when all is broken,
We mend our shattered hearts.
But all of our walls crumble
And everything aligns,
When on those paths we tread,
And up that hill we climb.
For my pain is yours,
And yours is mine –
In the dark,
We walk the line.
Bea (I) Faulkners
